Im such a sponge. And a shameful copycat. Hah, did I say that?
so I'll start off my writing by saying he said: "I love you.."
she said something along the lines of: "you always have a rediculous grin type thing on when you pass by.." and she is so right.. and I didnt stop thinking about what she said. and ..she's so damned casual all the time.
another
she talked about her art project saying the sponge represented the fact that she absorbed everything people told her and she really kept it in, and I knew exactly what she meant by it.
the fact that I always feel stupid and unworthy and incomprehensable and just downright retarded when Im around her, but I still like being around her.
the fact that I think of her often and consider her mysterious, even though she's usually rather jolly.. or really really not, but either way, I find it cute.
those weird epiphanies that I get, but forget, and realise they werent really epiphanies.
feeling lame for caring what people think now.
feeling odd for starting to write things down now.
feeling stupid for having to copy everything and feeling odd that I do it knowing I'll feel stupid. but knowing I might feel worse if I dont. I dont know.
just writing what comes is rather freeing, or isnt. Im not feeling anything right now except for this weird warm laziness and a bit of a clench in my torso, indicating that I do, infact feel odd about something although its a mix of things, and its life itself, and its a weird nothing feeling. But not really, it's actually something that was strong but its dulling down now, and thank god I'm forgetting it a little.
how sometimes I'll get in those weird states of mind where I think: wow.. im this strange living being that controles its limbs and tries to seem smarter than I am. God it would be nice to take philosophy..
breaking down whenever Im faced with what someone else would call a tedious task, but what I happen to call unthinkably and impossibly difficult.
knowing how stupid I sound when I talk and feeling disgusting that I did. especially when I sound obnoxious.
knowing I'm the laziest person I know.
knowing I wish I could use rhetoric and languages the way she does..
wanting to speak well
wanting to write well
wanting to be creative
wanting everything
being annoying but
wanting more
eating too much
feeling like a slob all the time
feeling like a dumbass all the time
feeling like I have a few drawing skills but no creativity
wanting to flip the finger to everything and stay home all day
wanting to not think Im asexual
wanting her sometimes
loving her way of writing
wishing I could just shut up half the time
knowing my emotions are unstable
knowing dear's anger rubs off on me
knowing that shouldn't happen
liking to cry
wanting labiaplasty
wanting sexual pleasure/sensitivety
knowing im emotionally sensitive
asking myself if she is
asking myself if she's at all the way I am
wanting to know everything possible about her
giggling that I used to like him
and also, it's weird my brother has a newfound affection for me.
I dont use my wacom enough.
Im just a lazy little fucker.
but I which I could just fuck. but as I type this, Im not actually in the mood for that.
fuckfuckkk.. the fact that I dont know if I want this blog private, the fact that Im sure deep down, I want someone to find it.
wondering if Im bisexual
being so self conscious of my skin, my cross-eyed gaze, my body in general.. all of it.
ugh, I let everyone in. and I let everything in. And Im sick of my life when Im alone, and thinking about shit and work and crap I dont want to do or wish I was better at.
Im envious of her. But I also like her.
